The Break Up

The whole plane ride home my sister had to listen to me whine and complain. I told her we were over and I really did feel like he had already broken up with me. She tried to comfort me and tell me that I was over analyzing.
After I had been home about two days I received a phone call from Nick. I hated that phone call. We made small talk for a few minutes before he announced that he felt we had reached the point in our relationship where we either break up or talk about getting married. I did not feel like we had reached any points. We had only been dating three months and I liked the way things were going. I wanted to continue to date to see where things would lead. This was pretty much how he wanted to leave the conversation until I beat more out of him. He told me that since I was the only girlfriend he had ever had, he had no idea if what he felt for me was special or how he would feel about anyone. He had nothing to compare me to and felt he needed more dating experience. I thought he was being so stupid. It seemed to me if he liked me, he would keep dating. But I didn’t want to convince him to keep dating me, I was just broken hearted that he didn’t want to anymore. So, he closed by saying that he still wanted to be friends and I made it clear that we would not be friends because he had broken my heart. The whole conversation he did not seem sad or regretful or anything. It was all stated so matter-of -fact.
This conversation took place three days before Christmas. With my weakened immune system due to my grief I became really sick with the flu. I couldn’t hold down and food or liquids and so I just lay there all of Christmas throwing up and miserable. Worst Christmas ever. I felt like such an idiot. I felt like Nick had never really liked me all that much and that he used me to have experience. I was just a convenient person that showed an interest in him. I had never been broken up with before either. I had no idea how to deal with the emotions that I was feeling.
Nick had made it pretty clear that we were over. So, when I went back to school I started dating again. I went back to the same problem I had always had, I didn’t like any of the guys. I think the more dates I went on, the more I realized how much I liked Nick. It was during I break up that I first thought that he really was a guy I could marry. That made everything so much worse for me. He had set the bar way too high and none of the guys I was dating even came close. It was really hard being in the same ward with him. I couldn’t even look at him. I knew I was being immature and playing things all wrong. Usually girls like to pretend like it doesn’t matter to them that much. When they see their ex, they act like life is great and that they could care less he broke up with them. But, I never was up for games. Nick is such an honest and good person that I did not feel like I could put on some fake show. So, I acted how I felt…hurt. I do feel sorry for anyone who had to put up with me during this time.
After about a month of being broken up, the truth started to come out. Thanks to Amy having a long heartfelt conversation with Nick, I was able to learn this truth: Nick probably wanted to get back together with me someday. He admitted to Amy that he really did like me and that he missed me. Really, he just wanted to date some girls to confirm his feelings for me. I had such mixed emotions by this news. Part of me was so happy that he wanted to get back together with me. The other part was so mad at him for thinking I would just get back together with him when he snapped his fingers. I knew that I didn’t want to just sit around and wait but I also knew that when he snapped his fingers, I probably would run back to him. I know I sound so desperate, and I probably was, but like I said, I wasn’t much for playing games. I liked Nick, couldn’t find anyone else that I liked at all, and I wanted to be with him. Call it desperate if you will. Anyway, after hearing this I knew that I just needed to talk to Nick myself, so we arranged to go on a drive where I made him admit to me the things he had admitted to Amy. After our conversation we both continued to date other people. Well actually, I continued to date other people and Nick did not. Amy was my spy. She would always tell me what Nick was up to on the weekends and who he was hanging out with. I was so mad that she kept reporting that he had not asked a single girl out on a date. I was also so mad anytime I heard that he was hanging out with any girl. He couldn’t win, I was mad no matter what he did, but I didn’t tell him that. We hardly ever spoke during the time we were broken up.